You Can’t Trust A Man With A Flip Phone

The other night, I was out on a date with an elderly gentleman (ok ok, he was in his late 30s, but still). There we were in deep conversation, sipping on vodka-cran cocktails and laughing the night away. Everything was going swimmingly well. Then, out of nowhere, he pulled out a flip phone!

Now, I haven’t seen one of these contraptions since I last visited an ancient artifact museum. As such, I didn’t know that it was a phone until he started typing away on it. Even then, I thought it was some modern thumb workout device. Seriously, I was perplexed. And what made matters worse is that it wasn’t one of those cool flip phones for which I could’ve given him a pass. It was one of those old school ones that our parents gave us to keep tabs on us and that we were too embarrassed to bring out in the light of day. Yea. One of those.

I quickly pulled out my iPhone 5s to assure myself that I was still on planet Earth in the year 2014. He kept going with our conversation but I could no longer concentrate. I was checked out and dealing with an internal conflict. There I was, on a date with a man who actively used a flip phone. The mortification! I know you all think that I’m overreacting. But I just don’t trust men with flip phones! Here’s why :

1. They’re resistant to change. Why, on God’s green earth, would anyone willingly and knowingly, have a flip phone when there exist iPhones? Microsoft has some stuff as well. We’re not even going to mention The Galaxy (#shade). If you don’t like touch screens, there are selections that don’t involve the flipping open of a phone. Cmon! Anyone with a flip phone must have a strong distaste for change and anything good in life.

2. They’re probably old as monkey dust. Whenever I’ve seen a flip phone, in modern times, it’s been attached to the hands of an elderly person of about 60 – 70 years. As much as I love old people, you can’t trust em past waking up on their own in the morning. Need I say more?

3. Nothing good comes from flip phones. Nothing!