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Dating

Dating

Wait. You Have A Child AND An Ex-Wife?

Let’s get right to the point! The other night, I was out on a 3rd date with a young red-headed gentleman. We were having a few drinks when out of nowhere he said: “Ask me some questions ABOUT ME?” Sidebar: I have a tendency to talk about myself a lot, so this question did not seem outside of the norm. I can’t quite remember what I asked him, but whatever it was got the following answer:

Red Head: “I was married, but I recently got divorced.”

Me: *Jaw hits floor* “Wait, what? Are you serious?”

Red Head: “Yes.”

Me: *Takes a BIG sip of wine* “Oh. Ok. Do you have any kids?”

Red Head: “Yes. I have a two-year-old son.”

Me: *Drinks entire glass of wine*

After about two minutes of me staring at him with the blankest of blank expressions, he broke the silence by asking me if I wanted to see his child. I said ‘yes’, but in my mind I was screaming ‘No, no, no, no, no!’ I know that sounds mean, but the truth will always set me free!

I had no desire to see his child, at least not in that moment. I was too busy trying to pick my jaw up from off the floor, refill my empty wine glass and piece together what the heck just happened! After I composed myself and fixed my expressionless face, we carried on with our date and then went our separate ways. I decided not to continue seeing him.

To clarify, I don’t have anything against men that have babies or that have been married. I just prefer not to date them. I’ve tried it before and it wasn’t the most pleasant experience (not that I think ALL of my experiences will be the same, but still. It gave me a good idea of what I can expect when dating someone with a child.)

The problem that I had with this situation is that he waited until the 3rd date to drop this bomb on me. Had he told me on the first date, I could have saved him a whole lot of time, money and gas. Just saying!

When I asked him why he waited so long to tell me, he said: “I didn’t have an opportunity to bring it up on our previous dates.”

Now I don’t have the best of memories, but I DO recall asking him on our first date about his previous relationships. Yep. I definitely did! I feel like that would have been the PERFECT time to mention an ex-wife AND a baby! Am I right or am I right? I just don’t feel that it was the best strategy to wait until the 3rd date to deliver such critical information.

But, I very well could be wrong. So I’d like to hear from you all! When would you expect your date to tell you if he/she had a child/ex-wife/ex-husband?

Memes Uncategorized

15 Signs that You’re In A Long Distance Relationship

Not everyone gets to live a hop, skip and a jump away from their better half. Some of us are involved in, what I’ve deemed, struggle-lationships (trademark pending). What’s that you ask? It’s when two people struggle to make a relationship work while living miles and miles apart. Not sure if you’re in a struggle-lationship? Check out these 15 signs:

 

1. When you’ve taken virtual dating to an all new extreme :

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2. When you’ve become far too comfortable with doing things by yourself :

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3. When you find joy in absolutely nothing until you’re reunited with your better half :

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4. When you become extremely attached to your phone :

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5. When your lover takes forever to respond to your text and you get a little upset :

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6. When you see your phone bill at the end of the month and start questioning life :

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7. When you see your bank statement (those flights aren’t cheap!) at the end of the month and start searching for the nearest cliff :

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8. When you see couples out and about and respond accordingly :

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9. When you start counting down the months, weeks, hours and minutes until you get to see your love :

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10. When you start planning visits around important dates in your lives :

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11. When you try to have a Skype date with your babe, but the internet decides to take the day off :

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12. When it’s been so long since you’ve seen each other, that your friends start wondering whether or not you’re really in a relationship :

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13. When it’s been so long that you start wondering the SAME DAMN thing :

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14. When you guys finally meet up and it’s kind of awkward for those first few minutes :

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15. When you guys part ways once again and it’s back to :

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Memes

11 Things Single People Are Tired of Hearing

If you’ve been single for… pretty much all your life, chances are  you’ve heard these 11 annoying things at least once!

 

1.  “Maybe you should settle.”

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2. “Have you thought about lowering your standards?”

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3. “You’re way too picky.”

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4. “Looks aren’t everything.”

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5. “You’re not getting any younger.”

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6. “Have you tried online dating?”

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7. “Marriage isn’t for everyone.”

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8. “You don’t have any plans do you? Would you mind watching my kids?”

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9. “You’ll find someone some day….”

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10. “Maybe you should stop looking for love and let it find you.”

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11. “I know a few cats that are looking for a home.”

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Did I miss any?

 

In the meantime:

food-talk

Dating

I Fell In Love With a Stranger

The other day, I met up with an old colleague in Santa Monica for some midday drinkery. A few beers into our outing, we decided to head across the street to another bar. Before doing so, this blue-eyed, blonde-haired man (Harlem) sat down to my immediate left. I glanced over at him as he sat and our eyes met. Being the awkward introvert that I am, I quickly smiled and averted my gaze.

I didn’t say a word to my colleague about his presence, but I could tell that she noticed him too. I mean, how could you NOT? He was GORGE!

Long story short, I was attempting to tie a floral wreath around my friend’s head (don’t ask!). The struggle was too real. After ten failed attempts, I finally got it to stay! She, quite cleverly, took that as an opportunity to pull my blue-eyed neighbor into our conversation:

Coworker: “She went to Berkeley and can’t even tie this thing on my head!”
Harlem: *giggles*
MeMarry me! (in my head, of course)
Harlem: “I love flowers! Blah blah blah…beautiful…blah blah blah….my favorite is blah blah blah…”

He went on for an eternity about his love for flowers. I found it a bit odd and concerning, but I soon forgave him for the strange obsession. I figured that he’d be able to pick the perfect flowers for our wedding!

Anywho, my coworker soon excused herself to the restroom and there I was, left alone. Just me, my awkwardness and him. He immediately broke through the silence by asking me about my studies at Berkeley. We got to talking and I told him about my time in Cambodia. Then, the most AMAZING thing happened!

He moved his chair closer to me. Whaaaaaaaat?!

We talked. We laughed. We planned out our lives together (Okay, that may have been just me!). Then, my coworker returned from the restroom. Darn! I was kind of hoping that she’d get lost in a closet world, like in The Chronicles of Narnia! But, sadly, that didn’t happen.

She and I started gathering our belongings to head over to the next bar and she decided to invite Harlem to join us. He smirked and said:

Harlem: “Ordinarily, I would have said no, but you girls are really cool. And Cynthia has to finish telling me about Cambodia. So I’ll meet you guys over there!”
MeI love you

At the next bar, I kept checking the entrance door like a mad woman. My coworker said: “Cynthia! Stop. He’s not coming. If he wanted to come, he would have left WITH us.”

I agreed.

I soon headed to the restroom to empty out my bladder. After waiting in front of the girl’s restroom for what seemed like hours, I finally decided to duck into the men’s restroom. I locked the door and twisted the knob to make sure that it was locked. The door opened. I locked it again, (thinking that I twisted the switch the wrong way the first time around). Checked it. The door still opened! Just my luck! This was one of those doors that opened, no matter which way you turned the switch.

So I said “f— it!” and I made a mad dash for the toilet. I pushed with all my might and prayed to the heavens that no one tried to open the door while I was stooping over this toilet! I finished in record time. Washed my hands. Then went for the door. At the same moment that I was opening the door, someone on the outside was also attempting to get in. I pushed. He pulled. The door opened.

It was Harlem.

We locked eyes (again) and immediately started laughing. I mean, there I was coming out of the men’s restroom for goodness sakes (Good thing I only did #1!!!)! I played it cool and told him that I was glad he could make it over. I let him into the restroom and high-tailed it out of there. As I hurried back to share the good news with my coworker, the unthinkable happened!

I fell!

As soon as I realized that I had lost my fight with gravity, I quickly popped back up. My audience of about seven young kids looked up at me, giggled, then one pointed at me and yelled, “Nailed it!”

Mortified, I made my way back to my coworker and filled her in on all of the embarrassment that consumed my life for the past ten minutes. She laughed, but like most people in my life, she understood that this type of stuff happens to me ALL the time!

Okay. Time to wrap things up! Long story short, Harlem and I started back up with our convo. We flirted. Shared a few innocent touches. And just had a really good time. After an hour or so, my coworker decided to head home.

Harlem and I stayed behind and decided to grab a bit to eat. On the way there, he climbed into a tree and watched as I tried to jump as high as I could to touch some random storefront sign. It was complete ridiculousness. I don’t know why he was in the tree or how he got up there, but I loved it. And him (as you’ll recall).

*Contrary to what you may be thinking, the events of this night were not influenced by the use of any type of drug.*

We finally got something to eat and he filled me in on his life. In short, he’s a paramedic “of some sort” and he’s “technically in the Navy” (So many questions, so little time!) He was born in Harlem, NY and now lives in San Diego.

After we finished, he walked me to my car and we exchanged numbers. We said our goodbyes and did the whole stare-at-each-other-as-we-walk-away thing. I got in my car, prepared to reverse, looked back to check for him and he was gone. He just vanished! In the blink of an eye, there was no trace of him.

I don’t know if Harlem and I will ever talk or see each other again, but because of him, I had one EPIC night and I got to fall in love with a complete stranger!

Dating

My Phone Rang and It Was Another Man

Last night I went to a dine-in movie with this guy that I met. We’ll call him Slim! We had just finished watching Exodus in 3D.

As we were making our way to his car, I heard the faint ring of a phone. I quickly prayed to the heavens that it wasn’t mine, because, you know, that’s rude. But as the gods would have it, it WAS my phone. And that’s not it. The person calling me, was another guy that I had recently met. He was not only calling, he was Facetiming me!! Whoa there!

I tried to hide my phone before Slim caught on to the disaster that was unfolding in my right hand. However, when my phone rings, it flashes an LED light, over and over again. So Slim noticed! And he asked, “Are you going to answer that?”

I looked at him. I looked at my phone. Looked back at him. Looked back at my phone. Boy was I in a pickle! And unfortunately, the way that FaceTime works is that it will ring until all the cows come home and are fast asleep! It rang incessantly! It wouldn’t stop!! Thus increasing the awkwardness.

There we were, in the elevator. I was trying to ignore the ringing, flashing phone that was going off in my hand, all the while hoping that it would just STOP. Naturally, it didn’t. I started pushing all of the TWO buttons on my iPhone in hopes that it would cease its foolery. It was to no avail!

Eventually, Slim caught a glimpse of the name and photo (curse me for adding photos to my contacts!) of the guy calling. Thus began a line of questioning and jokes about “who is [insert guy’s name] and why won’t you answer? Are you married? Is that your husband?”

After about five minutes of this awkwardness, I ended up just turning my phone off and pretending like none of it ever happened!

Once the night was done and I made my way back home, I checked my phone and I had a text message from Mr. I’m-Going-To-Mess-Your-Date-Up-By-Facetiming-You! He wrote, “Hey! Did you butt dial me? It looks like you were calling me.”

Oopsie! It was me that was Facetiming him that entire time!

*Sigh* This is why I’m single. My life is sabotaging me!

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I at least looked nice!

Dating

How to Cope with a Breakup

Yesterday, at 2:30pm, my boyfriend broke up with me. In his words, he “couldn’t handle the long distance anymore.”

Oh.

When it happened, I went through the normal post-breakup emotions. I first played tough like I wasn’t bothered by the news. “I’m better without him anyway”, right? Then it all hit me and I broke down for a few minutes. I called him back so that he could explain “what happened”, even though it really didn’t matter at that point. I then shared the news with a few of my friends and got the typical “Oh no, I’m so sorry Onye.” Yea, yea, yea.

I spent the rest of the day trying to keep my mind occupied with other thoughts like, Why can’t unicorns be real? and Where’s a double rainbow when ya need one? I fell asleep with the promise to myself that I would not let this breakup consume me or break me down.

Today, almost an entire day later, I woke up feeling….fine. Naturally, I have urges to pick up the phone and contact the man that’s been one of my best friends for the past few months. However, I understand my reality. That man, as I’ve come to know him, is dead to me. We no longer exist. Fortunately for me, I’ve been through a REALLY bad breakup before. Twice actually. As such, I’m at a point where my pain has plateaued and I just feel numb.

I’ll miss him. However, I will move on. Here’s how:

Stay Away

He and I were in a long distance relationship, so that helps with the breakup. For those of you who don’t have the luxury of 3,000 miles between you and your ex, it’ll be a bit harder. You’ll have to take extra steps to ensure that you remain as far away as possible from your ex. Avoid them like the plague. There is no greater truth than the saying, “out of sight, out of mind.” As soon as I got off the phone and realized that I’d be a single cat lady for the rest of my life, I deleted my ex from everything. EVERYTHING! Some may call it childish, but that’s how I cope. We’re not lovers. We can’t be friends (although this was suggested *blank stare*). We’re nothing. As such, I took steps to ensure that I don’t have to see or hear from him again.

Stay Busy

The worst thing you can do after a breakup is sit in your room, listening to Sam Smith songs and feeling sorry for yourself. Get up, get out and do something productive. Find something to fill the void that’s been created by your ex-lover’s departure. For me, that’s writing and photography. For you, it could be hanging with friends, running, painting, dancing to Beyonce songs! It doesn’t matter, as long as you’re doing something to keep your mind busy and to better yourself at the same time. Yesterday, I went to the MAC store and bought a crap load of makeup and today, I’m going to take my behind for a nice run. I don’t have time to sulk. And plus, I’m too cute for that *twirls*.

Stay Sane

Do not call and text him/her like a crazy person. Just let go. I know this is easier said than done and it’s harder when you’ve been in a relationship for a long time. However, acting like a psycho does not make matters better. Yes, I’m speaking from experience. I once drove on the wrong side of the road trying to catch up to the man who had broken my heart. Thankfully, Baby Jesus and Allstate were on my side. But that’s neither here nor there! Just don’t go crazy! Leave his/her possessions alone, don’t try to bring in family members. Just. Let. Go.

Stay smiling

Sometimes you just have to fake it until you make it. Tell yourself that you’re happy. Smile, laugh, go out and have some fun with your family and friends. There’s no point in sitting around sulking. The only things it will bring back are bags under your eyes, but not your ex! Trust me I know. I currently have designer bags under my eyes! However, I’m still smiling!

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I’ll be fine and so will you :)

Dating

“Black Men Don’t Like Black Women”?

I recently came across an interesting article over on ClutchMag. It addressed the issue of black men not liking black women. Yea, I know. This topic is far from new. However, as I was scrolling through the comments around 3:00am this morning, I came across one that made me wipe the sleep from my eyes and post a response!

Here is the offending comment :

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Grammatical errors aside, this comment was completely and entirely “out of order”! I assumed this was a black man that posted this foolishness (not surprised) and to him I responded:

 

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Now you know I’m in my feelings when I write a dissertation-length response, but he totally had it coming! I’ve just grown really tired of trying to convince black men that I, my black sisters and my future black daughters, are good enough. *sigh*

 Any who, feel free to leave your thoughts on this topic in the comments below!

Sincerely,
Onye

Image courtesy of photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Memes

Life with Married Friends…

1. When my married friend asks me to help her pick out baby names:

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2.  When my married friend asks me to change her baby’s diaper:

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3. When my married friend asks me if I want to see pics of her baby:

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4. When my married friend invites her husband to join us for happy hour:

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5. When my married friend invites me to a couples game night:

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6. When my married friend starts breast feeding her child at the restaurant table:

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7. When my married friend and her husband get into an argument in front of me:

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8. When my married friend tells me that she can’t go out with me because she’s married with kids and things are “different” now:

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9. When my married friend asks me if I’ll be attending her kid’s 24 month birthday party:

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10. When my married friend tells me that I could be married too if I stopped drinking:

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Advice

Is It Ever Okay For Women to be the Initiators?

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I’ve always believed that women should not initiate anything with men. Anything! Whether it’s a first kiss, first text or first *bow-chicka-wow-wow*, I’ve felt that it is a guy’s responsibility to kick things off. As I’ve grown older and gathered a bit more dating experience, my opinion has shifted. I’m starting to think that this concept of men being the initiators and women the receivers, is a bit outdated?

HERE’S WHY

1. Men Get Nervous Too. Oftentimes, we take a man’s silence as indication that he’s not interested. That’s not always the case. Some guys are just as jittery as girls are when it comes to dating. If a guy hasn’t contacted you right off the bat, he may just be scared and working himself up to reaching out. To take things even further, he may see YOUR silence as an indication that YOU’RE not interested. That’s fair. My advice is to throw a line out there to see if he bites. If he does? Great! Take him down to London Town. If he doesn’t? That’s fine. Simply move along and go after the next fish. At least you’ll know that you did your part.

2. No More Stigma. There is no longer a stigma associated with women initiators. Back in the day, women who pursued men were seen as “manly” or “desperate” (Although, some of y’all ARE both. Let’s keep it real!). That is no longer the case! Carrie Bradshaw and the rest of the Sex in the City gang helped us discover that it’s okay to be a woman that goes after what she wants. I think that the modern day man is actually impressed by this type of take charge woman. It shows him that she’s not lacking in strength or confidence.

So no more excuses ladies! Next time you see that hot guy at the bar (Word of advice : He probably just wants to sleep with you. But if you’re about that life, go for it.) or that four-eyed software engineer at a networking event, make your move! Don’t overthink it. Just go.

Advice

How to Skip Out On The First Date Bill

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I know that we’ve all been in a position, at least once, where we wanted to skip out on paying the first date dinner bill. Call me old school, but I believe that a guy should always pay for the meal on a first date. Most guys actually do take that initiative. However, there are those few that will literally sit there, until kingdom comes, waiting for you to pull out your wallet. If you find yourself on a date with this type of guy, here are a few tips to help you skip out on the bill.

1. Step off to the restroom. Always keep an eye on your server. Once you’ve finished eating and you see your waiter/waitress heading over with that check, head to the restroom. Promptly! Make sure you stay in there for a significant amount of time. It’s okay if he thinks you’re taking a poop. When you return to your table and see that the bill has been settled, feign surprise and say : “OMG did you pay already? You’re so awesome!” If the bill is still waiting for you when you get back. He ain’t any kind of right! Ditch him!

2. Reach for your wallet. If the restroom act is a bit too much for you, feel free to perform the endless wallet search. This pretty much entails searching through your purse, endlessly. You can even go as far as to say that you left your wallet at home (However, this is usually a dead give away!). Eventually your date will be overcome by impatience and will just go ahead and drop those coins.

3. Talk until there is no more talk to talk. Once the bill is placed on the table, keep talking as if you’ve seen and you know nothing. Your date will simply think that you’re just being engaging. Once he gets tired of listening to you yap on about Sarah Jessica Parker’s wardrobe in Sex in the City, he’ll whip out his card and pay immediately.

4. Offer to pay. Most men wouldn’t dream of allowing their date to pay. Unless they’re broke or they have no interest in you. In that case, get ready to pay! Because he sure won’t be!

In all honesty, you shouldn’t have to take steps 1 – 3. If you’re with someone that you like, offer to go half on the bill. If he’s a gentleman, he’ll more than likely settle it himself. If you’re with someone that doesn’t quite tickle your fancy, please select from the aforementioned tips and proceed without hesitation.