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Online Love

I Don’t Date Short Men

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I don’t date men that are shorter than I am. Point blank. Period.

The rule is : if I can see Paris, Rome and France over your head (with no visual obstruction), it’s not going to work. It’s just not. Some may find this a bit shallow. *shrugs* It probably is. However, until the day that I’m fifty years old and forced to settle for any wanker that comes my way, I will proudly have my preferences!

You have to understand, I wear heels 80% of the time. This usually puts me at a wonderful 5 feet and nine inches. On top of that, I have long legs which make me look taller than I am. I can not date someone that’s 5’4. I’d literally hover over them like an alien spacecraft. That’s neither cute nor courteous!

On to the point of my story. On Friday I went on a date with someone that I met on OkCupid. His profile stated, as clear as an LA summer day, that he was 5’9.

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When I arrived for dinner, he had already been seated (the con started before I even got there!). I sat down and we ate. When it was all over, we both stood up and I noticed that he was not the height he had claimed to be. He stood no higher than five feet and four inches! This is not a hyperbole people! He seriously fell slightly short of my bosom (<–ok this one’s a hyperbole). So many questions ran through my head, some of which were  :

1. Where is the rest of you? And will it be joining us later? Because *looks him up and down* I can’t.

2. Why lie? Did you not think that I would realize upon meeting you that you are NOT even in the vicinity of 5’9?

*sigh* I was so done with him after that point. Had he told the truth on his profile, I would not have wasted either of our time by going on a date. I DON’T date men that are shorter than I am. I don’t care how awesome of a personality a guy has. I just don’t do it. Point blank. Period!

Photo courtesy of StockImages – FreeDigitalPhotos
Online Love

I’m Attracted to Black Girls

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For whatever reason, I still have an account on OkCupid. Every now and then, I receive a message that makes me want to delete my account and my existence on planet Earth. For example, yesterday I had the following conversation with a Caucasian man (his race is pertinent to this story) :

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“I’m attracted to black girls?” Uhm, thank you? I love lamp! Lol, I really didn’t know how to respond to the randomness that was this guy’s message. What was the purpose of him specifying that he’s attracted to black girls? Was it to make me feel comfortable? Was it because it’s such an anomaly for a white guy to like black girls? What?! I feel like he wanted me to shuffle my feet and jump for joy. No ma’am.

I then went on to ask him what it is about black women that he finds attractive.

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“I just am.” <—I’m sorry but this is not an appropriate response to any question after the age of five. “And I think there beautiful.” First of all, it’s “they’re”. Second of all, have you met my friend Punctuation? Third of all, not good enough!

Bye Felicia!

Online Love

Is Coffee Meets Bagel The New Tinder?

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I won’t waste much time answering the question, ‘Is Coffee Meets Bagel the New Tinder?’ It’s not. Whoever created this needs to reheat the coffee and toss out the stale bagels, because this app isn’t taking off anytime soon. Here’s why:

One Match Per Day

Similar to Tinder, CMB (Coffee Meets Bagel) scours through your Facebook connections to select potential matches. However, instead of selecting random FB users like Tinder, CMB pulls matches that are friends of your friends. Great. At least you’ll know that these weirdos are connected to someone you POSSIBLY know (Let’s be real. We don’t know half of the people we’re friends with on Facebook). Everyday at noon, you’re presented with a potential match. Just one. You then have an entire 24 hours to decide whether or not you want to Like or Pass on this person.

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24 hours?! Who needs an entire day to inspect a profile. Let me show you how long it takes me to decide whether or not I like someone :

Second 1 : Attractive? Check.
Second 2 : Tall enough? (sorry, you have to be a certain height to ride this ride)? Check.
Second 0.5 : Bats for my team? (I’ve dated a gay guy once. Accidentally. Never again.)? Check.

2.5 seconds! That’s all it takes. For what purpose would one need 24 hours? This rule was probably established because there are only about four active users on CMB? Why do I think this? Look at what they presented me with at 12:00pm, on my SECOND day of using the app:

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-__- Rude.

Communicate with Matches Via Text

If, after 2.5 seconds or 24 hours, you’ve Liked a potential match and they’ve Liked you in return, the two of you can start communicating. . . via text.

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*hold the potatoes and applesauce*

Via text? *waves hand in the air Mariah Carey style* Oh heeeeeell no. Who wants to receive text messages from some random stranger they’ve only known for 24 hours?! At least with Tinder all communication is kept within the confines of the app, that way you can disconnect at any time (Trust me. You’ll need to disconnect!). How can one disconnect from a text message CMB?! How?! In their defense, they do hide your actual telephone number. But still, no.

For those of you interested in giving the app a try, here’s a look at what happens when you match with someone :

CMB Text

Whack. Done. Bye.

Online Love

“Are You Planning On Killing Me?”

Whenever I come across a guy that intrigues me, I like to toss out a question or comment that kind of tests his sense of humor. The problem? It’s kind of hard to relay humor via texts to someone you’ve never met. As such, I can sometimes come across as a crazy person! Oh well. I think it’s worth the risk. Because if I can’t make you laugh, and vice versa, it won’t work.

*getting to the point*
Yesterday, I had the following conversation with someone on Tinder (Me = Blue, Him = Grey) :

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I thought my question was funny!
But when I asked my coworkers (yes, we’re that close!) :
“What do you think he’ll say?”
They both replied :
“Nothing. He’s not going to respond! You sound crazy!”

They then went on to say, that because we’ve never met, he’s unfamiliar with my humor.
Due to this unfamiliarity, a question like “are you planning on killing me?” comes across as psycho!

OMG! I strongly disagree!
Well, I can totally see where they’re coming from. BUT, I need a guy that doesn’t take life seriously.
Anybody that’s scared away by a question like that, more than likely wouldn’t be compatible with me.

Moral of the story?

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He responded!

*sings Beyonce’s Bow Down B*tches!*

Online Love

4 Types of Guys Found on Tinder

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As you all know, I’ve been a Tinder participant for a little over a week now.
And although I haven’t gone on any ACTUAL dates (stranger danger!), I’ve had fun.

Initially when I started Tindering, I thought finding something serious was at least a possibility. As the days progressed, I learned that most guys on Tinder aren’t serious about life…let alone finding a relationship. And judging from the comments in my previous post, I’m not the only one that feels this way.

I’ve received quite a few matches and messages (not to toot my own horn….but *toot toot* lol) and I seem to come across the SAME types of guys. (Sorry, I can’t attest to the types of girls that Tinder has to offer…as my swing doesn’t sway that way).

Here’s a breakdown of the four types of guys that I’ve come across thus far :

1. Mr. Corny.

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You guys should already know how I feel about corny. I don’t understand why anyone would send this! Lol, I was so taken aback, I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t sure if this was a joke, if this was seriously something he wrote or if it came from some movie that I’m supposed to know. I just didn’t get it! In this case, I think a simple, “Hi. How are you?” would have sufficed.

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Really?!?! “Care to volley and see if it’s a ball?” Lol. I can’t even begin to begin with this one!
Would this line work on any of you guys out there?

2. Mr. I’mSoHorny

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Finding the pervs on dating sites is inevitable. Tinder is no different.
I don’t even entertain such foolery.

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I already knew where this one was going!

3. Mr. I’mTooSexy

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Some guys are just interested in pursuing a relationship with themselves. The only reason that they contact women is to get more validation of their hotness. Next!

4. Mr. ICan’tStopIWon’tStop

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Some guys don’t know when or how to just give up. If you’ve messaged me and have not received a response, chances are that I’m not interested in talking. Sending MORE messages will not change that!
I guess, I could start flat out stating, “I don’t like you.”, but some guys don’t even comprehend that…or they see it as a challenge -_-.It’s really hard to set anything up, when I can barely hold a conversation past ONE day with these guys!

*sigh* maybe it’s…. *looks around the room*…me!? Lol.

I’d love to hear some success stories!

 

Online Love

Tinder – The New Craze in Online Dating

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So my friend introduced me to an app that has taken over my life!
Yesterday, I found myself hiding in my company’s bathroom stall so that I could continue to use it. For those of you who are trying to jump the gun…no it’s not Candy Crush (I never boarded that train). The app to which I’m referring is called Tinder.

If you haven’t heard of Tinder, grab a seat for this brief introduction.
Here’s how it works :

1. Create a Profile – Tinder allows you to select up to 5 photos (although I’ve seen someone with 7) from your Facebook page and upload them to your profile. The pics MUST come from your Facebook page. You’re then able to specify your sex, the desired sex, your age and the desired age range (although I keep seeing 18 year-old kids! I’m not about that life!).

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Besides the photos, the only other way to personalize your profile is with a brief tagline :

 

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2. Start Rating! The app allows you to either “Like” or pass on a person based on the photo that you see. If you like what you see in the first photo, you can visit their profile to view more images. Or if you’re a bit more impulsive, like me, you can pass judgement based on the first photo that you see. If someone’s photo isn’t buttering your biscuits, you can pass, simply by swiping their photo to the left. A big NOPE will appear across their face (lol so sad) and they’ll be banished to the world of the rejects.

Now, if you Like someone, you simply select the check mark. If they’ve already come across your picture and have also Liked yours, you’re considered a “Match”. Only after you’ve been Matched with someone, can you begin a conversation. I guess this limits the amount of random hit ups!

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Once you’ve Matched with someone, you can either be the initiator and make first contact, or you can wait for your Prince Charming/Cinderella to message you.

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All of your Matches are saved as well as your conversations.

What I really like about Tinder is that it allows you to see who thinks you’re hot (yes, it’s that superficial) without the fear of rejection. You don’t receive notice when someone Likes or dislikes your photo. You’re only contacted for positive news : a Match! It doesn’t get much better than that!

Has anyone else tried this Tinder app? If yes, please share your thoughts!

Online Love

Online Dating Horror Story #1

As I mentioned previously, I dibble and dabble in online dating. Like real life dating, I can’t say that I’ve had very much success. But what I do gain from these experiences, are awesome stories, stories that I will be sharing on this blog. Brace yourselves for some Grade A Foolishness!

First Online Date

I met this guy, Plaid. We decided to meet up downtown at a bar. He lives in the area. So I drove down there and met him in front of his apartment (definitely didn’t go inside…STRANGER-DANGER!). He directed me to park my car in this parking structure that he “[knew] so well”. After I parked, we headed to the bar, had a few drinks and headed back to my car after the night was over.

Sounds like the story should be ending, right?! Nope! If I learned anything from Cinema, it’s that…it’s never over!

Enter Foolishness *stage left*

We made it back to my car around 11:30pm. He proceeded to walk towards the exit and I revved up my car *vroom vroom*. As I made my way towards the exit, I ran into Plaid walking towards me. He had a strange look of bewilderment on his face. I asked :

Me : “What happened?”.
Plaid : “Uhm…the garage is closed.”
Me : “Excuse me?”
Plaid : “They’re closed and the gates are locked.”

Is that right life?!

So, there I was. Locked in a parking garage. With a stranger. Just the two of us.
We were able to locate a number for the parking garage and thankfully, someone answered. And what did the representative have to say?

Parking Garage Rep : “No one’s available to open the gate at this time. But you can give us a call in the morning.”

Really??!!?! You want me to stay the night in some strange parking garage?!?!? Right. We ended up calling 911, and they said :

911 Operator : “Can you please leave this line open for emergencies?”
Me : “What part of ‘I’m locked in a parking garage’, is NOT an emergency?!”
911 Operator : Feel free to call the fire department.”
Me : -_-

So we called the fire department. A few minutes later, the fire truck showed up (alarms blazing) at the garage. I asked Plaid to go speak with them at the gate while I waited in the car. He didn’t want to go!!!!! I literally had to push him out. After speaking with the firefighters, he returned with the following info :

Firefighter : “We can’t help you. This is a private lot so we can’t cut the lock. But, you guys do know that there is a small gate right here for you to walk out of, right?”

Screw you firefighters! I’m not leaving my car in a damn parking garage over night! Plaid also suggested that I leave my car behind and spend the night at his apartment.

Ha….Ha…and more Ha!
I would have rather fallen asleep on a street corner with a street urchin!

The Big “Escape”

After some time passed and I realized that we were not going to get out of there WITH my car. I decided to leave the parking garage, with him *grudgingly*. We walked outside the gate. And RIGHT NEXT DOOR, there was another parking garage, with a petite man sitting in one of the booths. I said to Plaid :

Me : “Oooooooooooh, let’s ask him if he can help us!!!”
Plaid : “I don’t think he can.”
Me : “Really? Are your spider senses telling you this? I’m going to go ask him.”
You can stay here and search for your balls that are obviously missing. (<–said this last sentence in my head. Because, OMG he was a wimp!)

To wrap this story up, I asked the petite man if he could help me get my car out of the garage next door. He goes :

Parking Garage Attendant : “Yea. I have the key. We own that one too.”
Me: -__- “Of course you do.”

He opens the gate for us. I drop Plaid off and ride off into the sunrise…never to see him again! Sorry, but you just can’t rebound from such a tragic first date.

And THAT was the date that broke my online dating virginity. I definitely want my cherry back! But unfortunately, in this game, you win some and you lose some!

Photo courtesy of Stuart Miles – FreeDigitalPhotos

Online Love

Online Dating Frustrations

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So I’ve tried the online dating thing. And I’ve come across the common problems : too short….too aggressive….too toothless (<—yes, you’d be surprised). But I think the most frustrating one is : receiving messages from men that I know in real life!

Seriously life? Can I catch a break? *holds out baseball glove and catches a 90 mph gust of nothingness* -_-

I mean, if I wanted to date any of the men that I know, I wouldn’t be online. Your messaging me on a dating site does NOT change the fact that I don’t too much like you. And no amount of “Oh wow! You’re on here too?” or “Since we’re both looking, let’s go out!”, is going to change that! I do not like you. I would not like you here or there. I would not like you anywhere. I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them. Sam-I-am.

So if you happen to come across my profile on a dating site, just leave me be. Take your green eggs and ham and feed them to some other unsuspecting fool. Oh, and while I’m at it, don’t talk to me in real life either -_- .

Sincerely,
I don’t like you.

Photo courtesy of Stuart Miles – FreeDigitalPhotos

Online Love

Don’t Call Me Baby!

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Don’t call me baby!

This guy, we’ll call him Sugar Lips (see how he likes them apples!), has been calling me ‘baby’ since the very first day that I met him. Instant turnoff! He’s been leaving this epithet on my FB wall ( for all to see -_- ), in my inbox *shown above*, on my voicemail and anywhere else he can find. I can’t take it! Especially since I’ve NEVER gone out with this man! Never! Who does this!?

Pet names like ‘baby’, ‘sweet heart’, ‘big booty Judy’ (<–my personal favorite), lose meaning when used on STRANGERS. And I know that some guys use it to show their endearment. But how can you be endeared to someone that you just met. I mean, you could very well be endearing yourself to a blood sucking vampire. With all these nuclear tests and global warming, it’s definitely a possibility.

My advice to men : use these terms SPARINGLY.

A girl wants to know that she means something to a guy. If he’s tossing these words around all willy-nilly, their meaning becomes watered down, like an icy beverage left in the car too long. Just like no one wants to drink that mess, no one wants to hear a meaningless ‘baby’ or ‘babe’.

So just do me a favor and don’t call me baby!

Online Love

Did He Really Compare Me to a McDonald’s Sandwich?!

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“If you were a McDonalds sandwich, you’d be called the McGorgeous.”

This guy, we’ll call him McCorny (for obvious reasons), sent me this message. And now, I don’t know how to or whether or not I should respond to it. I mean, how does one even reply to such a thing? “Thanks. It’s been my lifelong dream to be a McDonald’s sandwich.” or “If you ever got a chance with me…you’d be dreaming.” (<—lol so corny! Yet so fitting!)

I just don’t understand what goes through a man’s mind when he strings together words like this? A Mcgorgeous?! He had a lot of time to think of something to say, and THIS is what his brain came up with. It’s not looking promising. Nope. Not at all.

My questions : Am I over-reacting? Is this actually a sweet message? Does he deserve a chance?

photo credit: Simon Miller via photopin cc